In two days, it will be exactly five years since a very anxious lady (me) and her ginger cat (Opie) took a leap of faith and boarded a plane out of Boston on a one-way ticket to Denmark.
One year in, the experience of living abroad was still new, and I was uncertain as to whether I’d stay in Europe, or move on… funny how I mentioned living in the UK and now find myself married to an Englishman :)
Two years in, I was finding my footing, my home was taking shape, I was traveling, getting my Danish driver’s license, and preparing to stay here a bit longer.
Three years in, I had one foot in and one foot out. I was starting to get frustrated with things and was feeling restless, but stayed mostly for my job and for opportunity to travel a bit more.
Four years in, I came clean about not being particularly happy here. I wrote about my online dating woes, of meeting Robert, beginning to merge lives, and I alluded to future plans on this side of the Atlantic.
Five years in, I’m married to my Englishman, and I’m over being here. I’m done with Denmark, and I’m just waiting for the clock to run down.
“If you are interested in horrible places, I can recommend Denmark. No one starves. Everyone lives in small, pretty houses. But no one is rich, no one has a chance to a life in luxury, and everyone is depressed. Everyone lives in their small well-organized cells with their Danish furniture and their lovely lamps, without which they would go mad.”
-V.S. Naipaul, 2002 Nobel Prize Winner in Literature
I’m a tall poppy in a country that values conformity, and that’s just not how I roll. I want more than a little house, a couple of Kahler vases, a few H&M dresses, and an endless supply of rugbrød and licorice. I’m talented, I’m motivated, and I want the trappings that come with hard work… those trappings do not include an IKEA kitchen or an Arne Jakobsen Egg Chair.
Half a million dollars in the so-called happiest city in the world buys a tiny charmless apartment that’s about as convenient and depressing as something in Alexanderplatz, pre-November 1989. We’ve got a dirty little community laundry room that smells like feet and must be booked in advance, even though people regularly nick my washing time. If I leave my laundry detergent unattended, people steal it. Our upstairs neighbors’ kids scream night and day, and play the drums… what kind of idiots give their kids drums in an apartment block? And you haven’t truly lived until you’ve tried to fall asleep on a Saturday night to the sound of drunk Danes singing Bon Jovi.
Whenever we travel, I insist on going into a grocery store, if only just to marvel at that quality and selection of what’s available. One of the things I miss most in Denmark are nice grocery stores and good quality produce. Usually at least one night, we’ll have a hotel picnic of things we’ve found in the grocery store, things that I took for granted before I came to Denmark like salads and nice cheeses, delicatessen items, and bread. I joke that living here has turned me into a hoarder because every time we go abroad, I come back with a suitcase full of groceries and cosmetics.
I miss going out to eat in good restaurants where I enjoy the food and the atmosphere. I miss water that doesn’t make a mess of everything it touches… hard water is hell on earth, and Denmark hasn’t caught on to water softeners. I miss considerate people with nice manners, and I miss good customer service.
I’m tired of only feeling happy and alive when we’re abroad. I cry at the airport when it’s time to come back and I hear people speaking Danish. Somedays, I think I’m losing it.
I’ve outgrown the job I moved here for and being foreign and not fluent in Danish, my other employment opportunities are slim to none, so I applied to a Masters program. I’ve been paying 50+% of my income into the system for 5 years now and figured I’d take advantage of some of those fabulous Danish social benefits we read so much about. The year-long paid maternity leave ship sailed and I wasn’t on it, so why not grab some student grants and free tuition?
My undergrad degree is in Communication, I graduated Magna Cum Laude, had a perfect GPA in my major, and have been working in the field for over 15 years, so I applied for a Corporate Communication program. The rejection letter came saying I was 10.5 credits short on a Communication Theory Course. This is complete bollocks because I had an undergrad course called Communication Theory, and there is no 10.5 credit course offered; the course offered here is 10 credits, so they’ve made it virtually impossible for me to qualify for the program.
What the letter should’ve said is:
“We can tell by your name that you’re not Danish. We don’t like dirty foreigners taking up space and funding at our University, and since you’re not an EU citizen, we can’t be forced to accept you.
P.S. If you don’t like it, leave.”
The phrase, ‘If you don’t like, leave’ amuses expats to no end. It’s the default response of many locals anytime we dare to question anything about verdens bedste country. So, you might say to a fellow expat, ‘do you think spring is ever going to get here?’ and they’ll reply ‘this is Danish spring, if you don’t like it, leave. There’s nothing keeping you here.’ You know, because it’s so easy to just pack up and move countries if you have half Danish kids, or are married to someone who does.
This grad school rejection is pretty much the final straw on a camel’s already broken back. I’m tired of living here. I’m tired of not having options, I’m tired of paying in full hog and getting nothing in return. If I had a time machine, I’d have called it quits after my initial 3 year contract and gone back to the States.
That said, I’m not sorry I came. I’ve learned so much in these years and have become so much stronger and more resourceful than I would’ve been otherwise. Traveling has forever changed my view of the world, and living in a different culture, even if the culture isn’t for me, has given me a different frame of reference on pretty much everything. I’ve been challenged, I’ve been pushed to the edge in so many ways and I may have cracked, but I haven’t broken. I’ve survived, I’ve flourished, I’ve had the pleasure of knowing and working with many lovely Danes, and I’ve met the love of my life. But Denmark is not for me, and its ok.
After five years in limbo, we have an end date. I can’t share the specifics just yet, but there will at some point be an announcement here saying that we’ve bought a big old house with beautiful kitchen, a clawfooted bathtub, fireplaces, and a big garden, and that we are outta here! I’ll tell you that I’ve bought the classic car I’ve always wanted, and that we’re going home.
I’ve been through a lot that I haven’t shared here and after five years, I’m done. I won’t say that I quit, but I’m mentally finished with the Scandinavian miracle.
Five years in… the end is hopefully near. Don’t believe everything Bernie Sanders says in Huffington Post.
Dawn says
Wow. I’m sorry to hear Denmark wasn’t what you hoped it would be. I can’t imagine moving across an entire ocean, only to be stuck in a place that I despise. I thinks it’s pretty terrible that the Danes are so nasty to you, too. =(
Sage says
Thanks, Dawn. As a whole, Denmark isn’t for me, but I have met some great people here. I try to focus on the good, like if I hadn’t taken this leap of faith, I wouldn’t have met my husband. But I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb in this homogenous country, and it’s impossible to get ahead without being Danish.
Julian Roy Radzik. says
Agree entirely. This place is so overrated it hurts, but the really frightening thing is the totally mindless natives who from birth are taught that they are living in paradise and nowhere is better than Denmark. That people can be so easily manipulated is truly mind blowing. The only Danes I have been able to relate to have either lived abroad or worked for an international company. As for their disgusting racism, well that is something I definately have had enough of.
Sage says
I’m fortunate to work in an international environment where most of my Danish colleagues have lived or studied abroad. It makes a huge difference in their outlook and consider myself very lucky to work in that sort of environment. If not for that, I wouldn’t have made it here as long as I have. I have some of the best colleagues ever, and I’ll miss them when I go.
Terri says
I would love to visit just to see somewhere new and different. The problem with that is I get homesick between 1 and 2 weeks.
Chasity Boatman says
I’m sorry to hear that your years haven’t been ideal. As an American, I can’t imagine living in a small apartment and a country that values conformity. That’s just not who I am. I like my space. I like options.
As a graduate student I want to tell you, don’t give up! Apply somewhere else! I absolutely love graduate school and I’m so happy I decided to do it.
Fi Ní Neachtáin says
Wow, it sounds like you really hate Denmark and that’s such a shame :( I think you were very brave to take the leap and move abroad. My other half did so when he was 22, he moved from South Africa to Ireland and has never looked back, he loves it here. I hope you find somewhere to truly call home and be happy soon.
Sage says
Thanks, Fi! I think it’s difficult to move in your 30s to a place that’s so culturally different from where you came from. The immigration debate certainly doesn’t help one feel welcome here. Without a Danish partner, there’s really no reason to stay, I think England will be a much better match and I’m so looking forward to finding out!
Joanne T Ferguson says
What an interesting post, but there is an expression, unless you ever, ever, go, you will never, never know! At least you had to courage to go and try!
Sage says
Thanks, Joanne! I knew it was a gamble going in, but I figured I’d regret not going more that I’d ever regret going. I’m glad I came and happy for many of the experiences I’ve had, but I’m relieved to know I’m nearing the end.
yractual says
Hej! Interesting thoughts and sadly downbeat feel but with an underlying optimism for the future and what may lie ahead. We lived in northern Sweden for six or seven years and know exactly what you mean about cultural homogeneity, unquestioning acceptance of largely government PR guff – bast i varlden etc – and the sever lack of opportunities for those who are not Swedes. Sadly, it seems to be a Scandi thing, God knows why! The Swedes are obsessed with their international image and perpetrate repeated lies to protect it. Unfortunately the locals believe it, swallow it hook, line and sinker everytime. From birth to the grave they genuinely believe themselves to be superior to all others. Scary stuff! I loved the countryside, we had great, welcoming neighbours etc., but the total control mechanisms eventually got to us and we left. Now in France, where at least the quality of produce and the foodstores and availability of wine without the absurdity of State stores is welcome. Lycka till!
Sage says
Thanks for your comment. The word on the street among expats in Denmark is that Sweden is better than Denmark for foreigners. That may or may not be true, but Scandinavia in general really seems to believe its own hype and will do anything to protect it. I wish the truth would get out because some of the glowing articles I read in foreign media are downright irresponsible.
I’m glad you moved on, I’m looking forward to my time :)
susan says
Wow! Your story captivated me until the end. I think it is amazingly brave to do what you have done. I myself in Canada have visited Europe and the lifestyle is so different that I don’t believe I could even attempt to leave. I am awed by your courage and even though you have had enough, you did it!!! What a great story, what an experiment and what memories! Great post!!!
Sage says
Thanks, Susan. It’s been an adventure.
Kathryn Alexander says
Loved reading your post. So interesting to see what some travelers go through. We want to visit Denmark, but just a short visit, not to live there. I’m sorry your experience hasn’t been great the whole time.
Sage says
Thanks, Kathryn. If you visit, make sure you bring a lot of money, the prices here are out of control!
luckyseventen says
Wow, that V.S. Naipaul quote about Denmark is intense! What and eye opening post this is and your honesty is truly appreciated. Sorry to hear you didn’t enjoy your time there but I’m sure you walked away learning something about yourself and appreciating home a lot more.
Sage says
Thanks :)
Definitely an intense quote, but he unfortunately nailed it. Not since Shakespeare has a writed so accurately summed this place up.
Ruth says
What a BS excuse for rejectng your application! I am sure you will be MUCH happier in England. Hope it happens for you soon.
Sage says
That’s what everyone, including the more enlightened locals have to say about it. I’m disappointed, but not shocked. It’s not as I’d hoped, but exactly as I’d expected.
I’ll be happy to see the end of my time here. Until then, I’ll pass the time by daydreaming of a pretty house, a garden, nice grocery stores, and driving on the wrong side of the road ;-)
Yona Williams says
One thing you mentioned that I cannot tolerate is hard water. My skin has such horrible reactions to it, and I had to deal with it in Michigan and it was so uncomfortable to live with. You have me curious about produce and cheeses from Denmark now. Although it didn’t turn out like a dream, I bet the experience has shaped you in ways you probably don’t even know yet.
Sage says
On the produce front, I just bought a 500g package of tomatoes (everything is sold pre-packaged here), got them home and discovered that two of them were moldy on the bottom. Onions and potatoes regularly have at least one spoiled in the bag, and I’ve never in my 5 years here bought a box of fresh strawberries without some that were spoiled.
sierramay says
I think I might have just fallen in love with you a little. This post is so perfectly sums up my feelings about this country and after 5 years myself, I am so ready to leave. Sadly I have half danish step children so there are a few more years yet before I see an exit for myself. I am so glad I finally found the American’s in Denmark group on facebook because it has given me the realisation it is NOT just me that has these frustrations of living here. I was starting to think I was just a sour person. Thank you so much for this and I look forward to digging through your blog!
Sage says
Aw, thanks :) I’m sorry to hear that you’re in a similar predicament. There are so many of us in the same crap situation (give or take) and that group is a lifeline. I also thought it was ‘just me’, then someone turned me on to that group and I realized I wasn’t crazy or overly negative, just American ;-)
Becka @ Probably Crafting says
Mine would have been 5 days instead of 5 years. :) That is awful the way they treat you. I am glad that you are seeing your exit. :)
Sage says
Thanks, Becka :)
Michelle Hwee says
Oh wow, what a lifestyle you had to live. I couldn’t even imagine doing what you did and for 5 years? Wow you are truly a trooper. I haven’t heard much of Denmark or many international counties but always thought about them. I definitely have a second opinion of this now. Thanks for posting your experience and lifestyle, definitely was interesting to read.
Sage says
Thanks, Michelle :)
sizzlesue15ue says
I think you are very brave to have taken the adventure on your own.
Sage says
Thanks :) If I’d known what I was actually signing up for, I might not have been so brave ;-) But I’m here and I survived and I got a husband out of it, so it was worth it!
W says
Hi, haven’t been commenting (tho admittedly sometimes reading still) because of a silly rule I have about not leaving my email address as a trail behind… So am testing to see if I can fake it.
You are an eye opener for me — because I am Danish (Danish-American that is!), people are always going on & on to me about how much happier we’d be if we all lived in Denmark and as the Danes do — while others older & wiser perhaps, say “why in the world would you ever want to go back there?”
Even I have begun to believe the hype, and can’t quite convince myself not to, so happy I stumbled upon your blog to see your insights — especially after 5 years.
(That middle part was to give you a hint as to who this is!)
I think there are probably lessons to be learned both ways, happy & not, from Denmark — as there always is. But most of all, as I’m not sure I’ll comment again, I wish you much happiness welling up from within so you will have it whenever whereever you might find yourself…
A good goal for ALL of us. LOL!
Sage says
Thanks :)
Ruth-Ann Rosenthal says
The other thing that surprises me about Denmark is the lack of quality and variety in groceries. Danes don’t eat out often and they seem to be homebodies so you’d think there would be more quality selection for home cooking.
Sage says
You would think! But they just don’t demand it, and they all pretty much eat the same things. There are actual rules about what can go together on a sandwich. Another foreigner’s mother in law freaked out because she put mustard or mayonnaise (can’t remember which) on a roast beef sandwich, and that just ‘isn’t done’. They even bring their beloved rugbrød on vacation with them!
Having grown up in a big, diverse country like the US, I just can’t get my head around such conformity and lack of curiosity.
Jen says
You said it better than I ever could. I spent 6 years in Denmark before escaping to England with my Dane and nearly every day I think about how thankful I am to be out of that country. I don’t know if we’ll ever go back but for now I’m enjoying my life here. It’s like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders to be out of that whole “If you don’t like it, go home” culture. The English know their country isn’t perfect and will usually join in with the whinging. :-) Hope that you’ll be able to get over here soon!
Sage says
Good for you for escaping… and extra kudos for convincing your Dane to leave Denmark ;-)
Even though it’s not perfect (no place is), I think England will be a much better fit for us.
oregongirlaroundtheworld says
Thank you for your refreshing alternative to the Scandinavian Miracle myth. Your post made me smile and was refreshing to know that is ok to not love it all here. Good luck with your next move.
Sage says
Thanks so much! It looks like we’re staying put for now… more on that soon.
I’ve found the key to happiness here is embracing the stuff I like, and basically forgetting about the rest. I was driving myself crazy dwelling on the negatives, and it’s not always easy to look away, but it’s getting easier and easier the longer I try :)
Love to be an expat says
Crazy woman – moving to a new country obviously requires something extraordinary to truly appreciate the differences and unique cultural traits. I have lived in more than 5 countries including both Denmark and Sweden and in no doubt these countries display the largest degree of life quality for the broad population on most meaningful parameters such as safety, welfare, free schools/university, environment, infrastructure, little corruption, gender equality etc. Currently living in London and can’t personally wait to get out of here after 5 years as an expat – as without a fat purse your options are slim, traffic and infrastructure sucks and forget about finding nature and space. So upsides and downsides everywhere however your perception of it all heavily relies on your own attitude and willingness to see the good stuff. Don’t even go, yet get married and have kids in a different country if your mental state is not there…..
Sage says
“So upsides and downsides everywhere however your perception of it all heavily relies on your own attitude and willingness to see the good stuff.”
Yes, exactly. That’s the conclusion I came to after 6 years of living here: http://www.sageandsimple.com/2016/05/five-things-i-love-about-denmark/
Peter Larsen says
As a Dane living outside of Denmark for 30 years I can only agree.. unfortunately.. Denmark.. is a Kolonihave… Inside looking ..
I love to go to Denmark.. but after one week there is nothing better than grossing the border into Germany.. here the world starts again..
A former US ambassador to Denmark once said in his farewell speach : Denmark is not a poeple…… it is a clan….
So stay away .. let the danes alone.. they prefer.
Sage says
Peter, Tak for din kommentar… it’s very interesting to hear a Danish expat’s perspective :)
Knud Hansen says
I can understand and agree with some, but not all of your comments.
I have been living in France, Sweden and Brazil working with American companies. I meet a lot of expats. Many were able to adapt to a different lifestyle. Some were not, and ended up being unhappy.
Living abroad can be tough but it can also be a fantastic expirience. It depends more on yourselves than on the country you live in.
However, I know Denmark is a very difficult place if you grew up in the US.
All the best for the future
Sage says
Thank you. I completely agree that everyone’s ability to adapt is different. Everyone’s life journey is different.
This post seems to have been shared somewhere and a lot of people are reading it without future (or past) context. I wrote this a year and a half ago and if people would read further on (or back) instead of leaving hateful comments (which I delete), they’d see that a lot has changed for me since it was written.
I started this blog long before I moved to Denmark and it’s become a journal of my experience adapting to living in a different culture, first as a short-term corporate relo on my own in rural Denmark, and now as a business owner, wife, and settler in Denmark’s second largest city. It’s been messy and it’s been difficult. I’ve been through a lot of things that I haven’t shared on my blog. I’ve changed with each of my experiences and transitions. Now that I’m settled here and staying for the long haul, I’ve found my place in this country and I’m happy to be here.