It’s an interesting time to be an American in Denmark. Bernie Sanders is holding this place up as a model society and I’m thinking, “what the hell?” It’s got a lot of things going for it, but Denmark is far from the utopia Sanders is selling.
I moved here in 2010 as a short term corporate relo and didn’t fall in love with the place. I’ve struggled with the language, xenophobia, the culture, and feeling like I was investing half of my earnings in a place that doesn’t want me.
These past weeks, I’ve been gleeful at the thought that I was finally getting out of here. I thought I’d get through Christmas and shortly after the new year, I’d move with my English husband to a Georgian townhouse in an English market town. Isn’t it the stuff dreams are made of?
But it wasn’t to be. The truth about repatriating is that it’s ugly. And complicated.
We feel we’ve been treated like criminals in England. On one hand, we have a 50% deposit for a fancy townhouse so we must be dirty money launderers. On the other hand, Robert has lived abroad for nearly twenty years and I’ve never lived in the UK, so we don’t have a credit history and how are we to be trusted to repay a loan? We’ve been denied a mortgage from one lender simply because Robert is paid in foreign currency. And despite having a long marketing and editorial career with one of the world’s most powerful brands, I’m recently self-employed and therefore only fit to be listed as a ‘housewife’ on mortgage applications.
We wonder if we’d even qualify for a mobile phone plan in England. It’s probably for the best that the place we were looking to buy is being eaten by beetles.
Robert and I often joke that Denmark is stuck in the 1950s, mostly alluding to negative aspects of the place, but there are upsides. We have a great relationship with our banker, and he’s always willing to give advice (and awesome chocolates), even when it’s not in his best interest. When you buy real estate in Denmark, you’re given a surveyor’s report right away and know exactly what you’re getting into; and if the report is wrong, there’s insurance for that. Everything is just a bit smaller, simpler, and more honest here.
Having our dream home pulled out from under us has forced us to take a hard look at our options and our future. What if I’ve had Denmark pegged all wrong? What if it’s actually nice to live in the 1950s?
My situation has changed a lot since I first arrived here. For one, marrying Robert has given me permanent residency, which means I can’t be kicked out of Denmark. I’ve already quit the job that had initially brought me here and there’s not a damn thing Danish immigration can do about it. And we’re mortgage free with a significant nest egg, so we have options.
So what if I stopped resisting this place? What if I started to try and see Denmark through Bernie Sanders’ eyes? What if instead of comparing Denmark to the United States, or even England for that matter, and seeing everything Denmark is lacking, I tried to see everything that’s good about Denmark? What if we moved from this awful functionalist apartment to an older one that’s twice as big in an area of the city that I prefer?
The hardest part of living here is over. I’ve been through culture shock, I’ve bought property, passed the Danish driving test, paid a revolting amount for a Fiat, dated weirdos, found a husband, sold property at a loss, survived a sociopath boss, quit the job that brought me here, and started from scratch. Again.
I used to be a liberal, then I moved to Denmark.
I pay insane taxes (DK has the highest tax burden in the world, and its rising!), but I have the benefit of having worked in the States for 15 years, so we’re more well off than most here, which allows us a certain lifestyle. Just last night, as a consolation prize for not getting the house, we booked a trip to the Manchester Christmas Markets (and to meet our new niece!); we’ve also booked an eleven night Mediterranean cruise. And I finally dropped $795 Quasar MD
My life does not suck.
Maybe if I stop looking at the numbers… 8% deduction for ‘free’ healthcare, 2500 kr. a year for the ‘media license’ for a service I don’t use, 25% VAT, etc. Maybe if I don’t give myself a coronary over Robert’s wanting to buy a Porsche when when registration tax is 180% of the car’s value (recently reduced to 150%) bringing the cost of the car to more than I paid for my first Danish apartment.
And maybe if I stop reading the news and live blissfully unaware of Danish politicians who think refugees travel with cases full of diamonds, and who think it would be just peachy to take their wedding rings to help cover the cost of granting them asylum, I’ll be able to make peace with this place. At least I don’t have to contend with panhandlers, random shootings, or the prospect of living under Donald Trump as POTUS.
I don’t think I will ever join Bernie’s Scandi-loving cult, but maybe if I shift my paradigm, I can hate living here less.
We’ve got 16 hours of darkness right now, which totally sucks, but maybe if I go native and get my hygge on… grab my guys, light some candles, bust out an afghan, stream a film, and eat things I’ll regret, it will suck less. Maybe if I buy an awful (to me) designer Scandinavian lamp, and one of those overdone Kahler vases (I can see four of them in neighboring windows from where I’m sitting right now!) and hang out with them long enough, I’ll actually want to decorate our apartment in exactly the same style as the other hundred apartments in this block. Hell, maybe I’ll even learn to love licorice, IKEA, and H&M!
I’m totally grasping at straws, but I’m going to try my damnedest to bloom where I’m planted from here on out. I’m going to stop reading Danish news; there’s nothing good there, and I’m going to step away from my online expat hangouts. I’m gonna go expat pre-internet style and see if things get better.
It may very well be that after all of this, Denmark and I still aren’t’ a match made in heaven. But reading the comments on all of those Bernie Sanders articles makes me want to see if I’m missing something.
Let’s see how it goes…
Disclosure: This page contains an affiliate link for the Quasar MD, which means that (at no cost to you) I’ll earn a small commission for any order placed through that link.
Alicia says
I love the idea of blooming where you are planted! I am trying to love my current town (I have been here 5 years). After living in large wonderful cities in the United States, this city, Waco, TX leaves me wanting. My folks are here and they need me at this point in their life so I am here for now. Will I be here forever?, I just do not know. I am not a Christian nor do I enjoy smoke filled bars so that leaves out a lot of options for me to meet people. Luckily the thing this town does have is light traffic, a great farmers market, and wonderful grocery stores.
Sage says
Oh, Alicia, that must be very difficult!
Before I moved to Denmark, I used to think it would be nice to live in a Southern town (like the one Julia Roberts moves to in ‘Sleeping with the Enemy’). But in reality, I know I’d be a fish out of water for reasons similar to those you’ve mentioned. Plus I’m a vegetarian, I bet that would be interesting!
I miss great farmers markets and wonderful grocery stores, though I guess the upside of little choice is that I can finish my grocery shopping in under 10 minutes!
Hang in there, I hope we’ll both find a way to bloom :)
Dana says
Dear Sage,
This is all very interesting to me. I am in America not as an expat but born and raised. But, my values and beliefs put me at odds with virtually all of American “culture” to the point where I cannot express my beliefs in mixed company (even amongst very old friends). Things here have become just that hostile and divided. So I think I know a little bit of what you feel as one alienated in the culture in which they live. I often dream about ‘somewhere else’ where I can live at peace but I am wise enough to realize that there are jerks and challenges everywhere. So I too try to make my corner of this world livable for me. Its hard to be optimistic in the face of so much evidence for the Triumph of Bad People, (especially in 16 hours of darkness daily!) but as I tell my daughters, “You never know what’s around the corner.” And I hope for you and Robert there are many good things!
Peace,
Dana
Sage says
Dana, you are so right! I met Robert during one of my most difficult times in Denmark and things really did turn around.
I haven’t back to the States since 2011, but I don’t like the changes I’m seeing over there, and I have a feeling that I just wouldn’t fit in after living abroad for so long. It’s strange to feel like I don’t fit in here and don’t fit in at home. I guess that’s why calling off the England move has left me so crushed, I feel like England is a middle ground between the the two places, and I do fit in there.
Thanks for your kind note!
xo
Barbara Paola says
Might as well make the best of it. It won’t be permanent I’m sure! You have an amazing life, an amazing husband, and an amazing cat (that I’ve been in love with for years :) ) You will come out on top of whatever life throws at you, you always have as long as I’ve known you!
Sage says
Thanks, Barb :)
Jennifer says
This is a great post, and I’m happy to read that you are thinking about how to view your life there differently. It puts the control back on you. We can all benefit from this, no matter where we live or our circumstances. My life has been rocked a bit lately with an upcoming job loss. I’m trying to look at it as an opportunity and be grateful for all that comes with the layoff. Some days are better than others, but I do know I get to choose the way that I view it.
Your line, “I used to be a liberal, then I moved to Denmark.” made me laugh. I’m very liberal and it would be interesting to see if living somewhere like that would take the liberal out of me!
Happy holidays and enjoy your vacations and your new niece!
Sage says
Jennifer, I’m so sorry to hear about your job loss. I dealt with that earlier this year. I resigned, but my hand was forced by health issues brought on by a sociopath boss. After freaking out about how I was going to find a job in a foreign country, I’m happy to say that I decided to go freelance and I love it! I can’t believe I put up with that corporate BS for so long! I hope you have a similar experience and can say a year from now that the layoff is the best thing that could’ve happened to you. It is a scary thing to face, but things really do have a way of working out.
Happy holidays to you :)
xo
Anon Lurker says
Sage, I am a long-time lurker and wanted to say how much I appreciate your blog. The photographs are always breathtaking, the recipes are great, your sense of style is second to none, and your insights and observations are so thoughtful and interesting. Long may it continue!
Sage says
Thank you for coming out of lurkdom! This comment made my week :)
Congo says
Are you saying you DON’T like licorice???
Sage says
Can’t stand it! And especially not in ketchup, potato chips, cheese, ice cream, or the 1001 other inappropriate ways they’ve come up with to use it to ruin food here ;)
Katalina @ Peas & Peonies says
I think I can relate to your post, I think anyone who has moved to a very different place will feel this way. It takes adjustment, many years of adjustment to understand and to fall in love with a culture. I moved from Eastern Europe to US 8 years ago and it was a cultural shift. I honestly started to feel “at home” here in NYC just 1-2 years ago, since everything was so so different. So I hear you, but give it a try and you may be surprised how much you will end up liking Denmark.
Sage says
I’ve got two and a half more years until I’m here for 8 years, hopefully I’m on your timeline ;)
Susan Quackenbush says
This is such a fascinating post! I’ve never imagined living outside of the United States but it sounds like a dream come true, with a few struggles along the way of course! Thank you for sharing your story with us! :)
Sage says
I don’t know if living in Denmark is a dream come true, but it has been a life changing experience.
tiarasandtantrums says
You may not be in the most ideal location – but you are in Europe! You can travel and see so much more than if you lived in North America! Enjoy that – bask in it actually. I would give anything to live in Europe right now – even if I didn’t see the sun for the next 4 months!
Sage says
I traveled like crazy for the first few years (and still do… 7 times this year), which was one of the reasons I decided to move here. That part has been awesome, but living in Northern Europe is unfortunately nothing like being on holiday in the great European cities.
Kita Bryant says
I can’t imagine living outside of the US on a long term basis….I live in another state and hate it. No friends, no family and of course I married my hubs who won’t move so I am stuck. I have hated it for 10 years and you would think I would feel better but nope I don’t. Hopefully you all can move somewhere where you will both be happy soon.
Sage says
Ten years is a long time to be unhappy in your surroundings with a partner who won’t compromise. I hope we can both find a way to at least like (if not love) where we are living. For now, I accept that an international move isn’t in the cards, but I take comfort in the fact that Robert was willing to do it.
Debra Larsen says
I read about the financing difficulties that you are facing, but why has that made you guys decide not to move to England? Have you considered just renting for a year or two so that you could both become established there in Britain by their standards, and thus, build credit? I think I’d still do that if it were me and I had that opportunity. When my husband and I move to America some day, we don’t expect to just buy a house right off the bat because we want to make sure that where we go is the right fit for us first. Just a thought.
Sage says
Financing wasn’t the deciding factor.
We ultimately found a lender. But as I said in my previous post, despite appearances, the surveyor’s report came back saying that the house needed extensive structural restoration work, and we decided it was more than we wanted to take on. We haven’t decided that we’re not moving to England, we only know that we’re not moving this go-round and we need some time to weigh our options and regroup.
I only brought up the financial challenges of repatriating because it caught us by surprise and is something a lot of people probably don’t consider when moving abroad. I never thought reentry would be so difficult, especially with steady incomes and a 50% deposit.
There are a lot of factors at play in our decisions, and I don’t share all of them here. But that said, most landlords/rental agencies also require a credit check, so renting doesn’t necessarily simplify the repatriation process.
Alyssa Oh says
I’m an American living in Switzerland and I’ve struggled with many of the same issues. While the taxes here are not anywhere near as high as Denmark, the cost of living is sky-high compared to the US. I used to resent how expensive everything is here but after living in Switzerland for a over a year I discovered that I really don’t miss being able to go shopping and blow money on things I don’t need. (Also, that’s what shopping while you are on vacation in Southern and Eastern Europe is for!) That and I’ve actually decided it’s kind of nice that the reason why things are so expensive in Switzerland is because the minimum wage is 20CHF an hour, meaning there’s less poverty here than at home.
Other things are less easy to reconcile with though. Switzerland is stuck in the 1950s too, and while that means a more trusting society overall, gender roles are also stuck in the 1950s. As a single woman who works full time I really feel it. Something like 80% of Swiss women do not work full time. The rules against shopping and vacuuming on Sundays are a pain in the ass for somebody who is the head of their own household and cannot do chores during the week. Society is set up with the idea that there’s a Hausfrau at home to take care of everything Monday-Friday. And let’s not even talk about race relations. I recently had a friend mention to me that they don’t date outside their own race because, “Mixing the races is a bad idea.” Huh? What century are we in?
In spite of these things, I understand that no country is perfect. I am happier living here and have a much higher quality of life now than I did at home. The Swiss may not be the most politically correct of people, but at least we don’t have a mass shooting almost every day! There’s less pollution, the public transportation is so superb that I don’t need to own a car and the Swiss obsession with quality means that although things are more expensive here, I get a lot more for my money than I would at home.
Will this be my forever home? Probably not. But I’ve learned to appreciate the quirks of my adopted culture and I’ve made a life here. Not the same one I might have had at home, but definitely a more stable and enjoyable one!
Sage says
You can’t vacuum on Sundays? Wow!
Weekend opening hours have gotten a lot better since I arrived in 2010, but when I first got here, it was nearly impossible to work within their opening hours, also as a single woman working full-time with an hour bus commute.
Obviously no country is perfect. I struggle because my quality of life is lower here than it was in the US. Public transportation outside the major cities in Denmark is expensive and not very good, which pretty much forced me to buy a car and Danish drivers license at an insane cost. Denmark definitely does not have an obsession with quality, the 25% VAT drives down quality standards in order to make things affordable. It’s more often quality and selection rather than cost that makes me shop abroad.
However, I do appreciate that there’s no gun violence here, and I’m trying to make my peace with the rest for however long I’m here.
Of course, when you move abroad, you have to go in with the expectation that it’s not going to be like where you come from, for better or worse. I was definitely up for the adventure, but I’ve felt for awhile that it’s time to move on from here. And I came so close.
Apple A Day says
Most buildings in Switzerland do not allow vacuuming, recycling (can’t be making noise with those empty cans!) or laundry on Sundays. You can’t shop anywhere but the train station on Sundays 11 months out of the year. During advent some stores stay open on Sundays so right now things feel close to normal for me! Yikes, 25% VAT? That’s incredible. I don’t understand how the Swiss manage to have some of the lowest taxes in Europe while still having top notch transportation, but they do. There’s probably some sort of contract with the devil that I can’t read because it’s in Swiss German. > ; D
I think the quality of life thing really depends on where you’ve moved to and what your profession was in the US. Back home as a teacher I was making mediocre wages and working in a toxic environment. There’s just no comparison between the kind of salary and benefits a US public school and a big, well funded International school can offer me. If you were in a different profession I can see how the situation would be different.
Just because the move to England didn’t work out this time doesn’t mean it won’t in the future, maybe sooner than you think! If you have your sights set on it, you’ll make it happen.
The Mad Mommy says
I really loved reading your perspective on this! I have never lived abroad, but I have always wanted too. I am downright terrified to even try though!
Sage says
Thanks :)
Taking holiday in Europe is probably a better option, unless you feel a really strong connection or urge to move to a particular place. England would totally be worth it for me!
When I was considering the move to Denmark, people said, “well, you can always move back if you don’t like it.” I’ve now proven that’s easier said than done.
Expatriation isn’t for the faint of heart.
Nicole says
I love the cautiously hopeful tone of this post! There are good and bad aspects of life in every country. England is absolutely wonderful but there are negatives to living there too (mainstream alcoholic culture, insidious classism, hooliganism, incessant complaining, etc.). Sounds like you could make a very happy life in Denmark (with lots of travel to and shopping in the UK)!
Simon Dean says
It’s funny how the world goes round. I have a friend from the US, desperate to leave England and live in Denmark. Her other half won’t move. As for me, I emigrated from Zimbabwe to the UK and thank the Lord above that it has worked out OK. Never ever been back to Zimbabwe, and will never leave the UK. In all of this, I believe you are effectively an outsider no matter how long you live in a different country. My upbringing means my perspectives are most always different from English people born and bred. Most of my friends are, in the end, non English, although I can have a laugh with the English any day. It is, and always will be, a difference of perspectives, and what your post is all about, expectation.