Sage & Simple

food. travel. expat living.

  • Home
  • Recipes
  • Travel
  • Living in Denmark
  • About
    • Privacy Policy

Norwegian Epic Aft Balcony… OMG!

January 27, 2016 By Sage 21 Comments

One day shortly before Christmas, I got an email touting a last minute Mediterranean cruise deal that was too good to pass up. Robert and I had a fabulous time in the Norwegian Fjords last summer, and we thought some time on the Mediterranean was just the thing to help us get over the disappointment of the failed England move and the stress of house hunting in Denmark. So, I booked an eleven night cruise at a bargain rate in a Norwegian Epic aft balcony stateroom.

This plan had a few fatal flaws:

  1. The Norwegian Epic is a mega ship with 4100 passengers.
  2. Norwegian is a budget cruise line and most meals were served in the buffet.
  3. There is no promenade deck on the Norwegian Epic.
  4. Did I mention Norwegian Epic is a mega ship?

Cruising seems to be a love it or hate it kind of holiday and after sailing a much smaller ship in Norway, I had no idea how anyone could hate cruising! We’d slept in, and had a lovely sit-down breakfast each morning, followed by an equally lovely lunch with wine, a walk around the promenade deck, followed by gin & tonic and watching the scenery from the back of the ship, followed by a pre-dinner martini, another lovely sit-down meal, and a nightcap. Our room steward knew us by name, and so did the bartenders. I’m pretty sure if you ask me in 50 years about the best days of my life, those seven days will be one of the highlights.

However, after spending eleven dire days in a Norwegian Epic aft balcony stateroom, I can see why people hate cruising! Getting our first glimpse of the ship was my first “oh shit” moment. It wasn’t a ship, it was a floating monstrosity! The Norwegian Epic was hideously ugly… from the dreadful hull art to the twisting mess of water slide tubes on the lido deck, to the far too many balconies that ran along the sides of the ship like prison cells, it was abysmal.

Norwegian Epic Aft Balcony

Once aboard the ship, most of our fellow passengers headed to the buffet, but we headed for a sit-down meal in O’Sheehan’s, the Irish pub, where there wasn’t a single vegetarian item on the menu… not even a salad. I asked about a veggie burger, and our waiter reluctantly granted my wish. Roberts often says, “start as you mean to go on” so I ordered a Hendrick’s and tonic, and was delivered a vodka and tonic, so I went to the bar to fetch a replacement and saw that they didn’t have Hendrick’s. That explained a lot, but they could’ve substituted Bombay Sapphire, Tanqueray, or whatever, but don’t give someone vodka when they’ve asked for gin! Later on, they were out of tonic, so they gave me soda water. I felt bad about wasting the drinks, but I’d feel worse about wasting calories on a drink I didn’t enjoy.

Speaking of waste, a few days later, I saw the kitchen crew breaking down the omelette station in the buffet, and they dumped all of the leftover veggies, ham, cheese, and eggs into a giant trash bin. That made me sad, but I digress…

We had a gorgeous sailaway, just the two of us on our ugly Norwegian Epic aft balcony, watching the lights of Barcelona get farther and farther away, until they were replaced by stars. Dinner was unremarkable, annoying due to the too loud live band that insisted on serenading us, and quite unsatisfying. All I had was a salad, baked aubergine, and a tiny spot of flourless chocolate cake, so I was pretty hungry when midnight rolled around. Robert suggested O’Sheehans for a veggie burger… what a fabulous idea!

Only this time, my fairy godfather waiter wasn’t on duty, so no veggie burger for me! I asked the waitress what they had for vegetarians and she said, “this is an Irish Pub, we don’t serve vegetarian food.” Nevermind that English Pubs in England (which is a lot closer to Ireland than the Norwegian Epic) usually have several vegetarian options!  So I asked where onboard I could find something vegetarian at that time of night, and she said I should’ve gone to the main dining room earlier. Nevermind. I asked for an order of fries and called it a night.

The next morning, Robert and I awoke around 9:00 to the overly chipper voice of our cruise director over the PA, and the unpleasant fact that we’d missed the two hour window for sit-down breakfast and would need to join the scrum in the buffet if we wanted breakfast. Now before we’d even headed to Barcelona, we’d agreed that we would not eat in the buffet. An afternoon ice cream, maybe, but meals were a no-go.

The buffet was also our only lunch option. *sigh*

The buffet was everything we’d hoped it wouldn’t be. A woman stood at the entrance with a spray bottle of hand sanitizer saying, “washy washy, happy happy” before spraying people on their way in. People refilled their water bottles at the drink machines. There were people scrambling around with plates piled high, coughing into their hands then touching the serving utensils. People sneezing without using kleenex… ick! No amount of “washy washy” theatre was going to help that mess!

It was an unexceptional day. The weather was overcast, and it was too cold to hang out on our Norwegian Epic aft balcony, so we walked around the ship as they tried to sell us all manner of artwork, handbags, perfume, bingo cards, botox, acupuncture, jewelry, etc. Cruising NCL is like flying RyanAir, except you don’t get to land and leave after a couple of hours.

In retrospect, unexceptional was pretty ok. The sea was starting to pick up, and I was starting to feel ill. By the next afternoon, I was in the gift shop shelling out $20 for acupressure bands. Thankfully, they seemed to work.

That night we sailed though a hurricane, complete with lightening, 78 MPH winds, and 12 foot waves! So much for a romantic night watching the moonlight on the water from our Norwegian Epic aft balcony, I was in bed thinking I was going to die as things rolled around our cabin!

Fortunately, the next day was a port day, but the problem with floating resorts is that they’re impractical, so they have to dock a million miles away from everything. So after you queue for a thousand years to get off of the ship, if you didn’t book a shore excursion through the cruise line, you have to pay for a bus to town, then a train or another bus to the port they’d advertised… e.g. “Rome” is actually 50 miles from where you dock! And if you’re late, they’ll sail without you as some of our “Florence” shipmates learned the hard way.

The next day was a sea day. Pretty much every second day was a sea day, and while getting off the ship is a huge anticlimax, the Norwegian Epic feels like a very large hotel where every other day, they lock the doors and won’t let you out. And OMG, it’s boring! We could not believe the number of bored English people reading newspapers around the ship. It was so awful that Robert and I seriously discussed getting getting off the ship in Naples and flying back to Denmark!

We talked to quite a few fellow passengers during our incarceration, and none were very impressed with the ugly Norwegian Epic, or what was on offer. A promenade is an age-old cruising tradition, but the Norwegian Epic doesn’t have a promenade deck! It’s got a deck on one side of the ship that is mostly covered by lifeboats and looks more like a crew passageway than anything you’d romantically stroll.

Norwegian Epic Promenade Deck

Unimpressed with the evening’s dinner menu, we decided to venture back into the buffet. At this point, we’d given up on O’Sheehan’s because every time I went in and asked for a veggie burger, they veggie-shamed me and I’d had enough of that crap. The buffet was as unappealing as usual, but they served up veggie burgers without an attitude, and beggars can’t be choosers.

The next morning, I woke up with a sore throat… the washy washy theatre had failed me and I was anything but happy happy! I did my best to ignore it, then I tried to kill it with gin and vermouth, but the following morning I woke up with the virus from hell. I was full on, can’t lift my head from the pillow sick! I haven’t been that sick since I was a kid. Robert mostly left me alone in the cabin, but checked on me every so often, bringing me ice water and soft drinks, which I barely touched. I was too ill to read and too ill to watch TV, so I just lay there, drifting in and out of sleep in our lovely Norwegian Epic aft balcony stateroom, and becoming more and more upset over the fiasco this holiday had become.

Meanwhile, Robert was in his own holiday hell. Not a fan of the buffet, he’d opted for dinner alone in the main dining room. As if dining alone on holiday wasn’t awkward enough, he was asked twice if he wanted to share a table, then a photographer came by and asked if he wanted his photo taken… ya know, so he could remember the time he dined alone on a trashy cruise ship while I was upstairs suffering from mega ship buffet virus! After that, he went to the martini bar to drown his sorrows, and our regular bartender asked where I was. He said I wasn’t feeling well, and she said, “you’ve had a fight!”

She was just trying to be friendly, but how awkward! What if we’d actually had a fight? Oh, Norwegian!

And for the life of me, I don’t know why the cruise line is called “Norwegian” because for better or worse, it’s a very American experience. But once you’ve boarded, you’re a “Norwegian” and at every turn, there’s some inane messaging telling you that Norwegians make a night of it, or Norwegians get rewards. Even after I’d gone home, they sent me an email saying, Norwegians remember every moment. 

Anyway, I was deathly ill for that one day, then left with a lingering cough that I’ve tried to ignore, but that still plagues me as I write this. The rest of the cruise pretty much continued in the way in which it started, though we had warm temperatures, a clear sky, and calm seas on the last night. We stayed up late on the balcony and even saw a shooting star!

Then at 8:30 the next morning, they hustled us out of our stateroom and off of the ship, and we weren’t the least bit sad to see the last of that awful Norwegian Epic aft balcony stateroom.

P.S. We talked a lot about the house while we were away and we’ve decided not to make an offer. It’s a beautiful house, but there are fatal flaws in the layout, and we don’t think that it will suit our lifestyle in the longterm. It was a tough call, but I think it was the right one. We’re seeing some places later in the week :)

P.P.S. Our travel agent at American Discount Cruises sent us a lame form letter email saying she’d hoped we’d made lots of memories on our trip, and asking how it went. I sent her a link to this review and haven’t heard a peep since. Marketing fail ; -)

Like it? Share it :)

  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)
  • Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)

Related

Filed Under: travel

Comments

  1. MJ says

    January 27, 2016 at 11:14 PM

    Oh my this sounds like exactly the reason I don’t ever plan on going on a cruise, not to mention my fear of sinking ships. Your first cruise definitely sounds like it was a far better experience. Your post is a great read for people who are new to cruising!

    Reply
  2. Megan Elford says

    January 28, 2016 at 2:06 AM

    Oh that’s too bad! I’ve never wanted to go on a cruise, because I’m sure I’d have a similar experience. I know several friends have had wonderful experiences, but this does confirm that I don’t want to try it out for myself!

    Reply
  3. Congo says

    January 28, 2016 at 4:00 AM

    I did Norwegian from Boston to Bermuda. I couldn’t agree more with every word you wrote. Just Godawful. Never again.

    Reply
  4. Sky says

    January 28, 2016 at 4:30 AM

    Um, wow. That is definitely NOT what I would expect from a cruise. Though you’re right, the ship itself does look pretty hideous and basically like a floating hotel. I’m sorry you didn’t get the vacation you anticipated! I can’t believe getting a veggie burger was such a complicated thing in 2016!

    Reply
  5. Dana says

    January 28, 2016 at 2:59 PM

    I have always felt that cruises are not for me. A floating city you can’t get off of? No way. Thanks for confirming my suspicions. Yikes. You must have been so glad to get home. Hope you feel better soon.
    Cheers,
    d

    Reply
  6. Amy says

    January 28, 2016 at 5:56 PM

    Sorry to hear about your cruise – how miserable! I’ve never been on a cruise – my husband loathes the entire idea, and after reading about your experience, I can see why. Neither of us care to share anything with 4,100 other people. :) At the same time you were on your cruise, my 20 year old daughter was taking a break from a year abroad in Madrid, touring Italy for two weeks: Rome, Florence, Venice and Bologna. Maybe you passed each other somewhere in Italy. Her budget was about $350 Euros, and even though she was sleeping in hostels and taking trains, it sure sounds like she had a better time. She was excited to see some of the art she has studied in her art history classes, and just take in the sights (and food!) in Italy.

    Reply
  7. Cara (@StylishGeek) says

    January 28, 2016 at 7:17 PM

    Whoa! 4,100 passengers and mostly buffet food? Hmmm…maybe this would have been fun in my college years but when I travel now I really look for luxury. I think perhaps Norwegian cruise line isn’t for me!

    Reply
  8. Vera Sweeney says

    January 29, 2016 at 6:01 PM

    What an awful experience!!! I can’t believe they didn’t have more vegetarian options in the restaurant. Hopefully your next cruise will be better.

    Good luck on your continued house hunt, I’m looking forward to more posts about that!

    Reply
  9. vegetarianmamma says

    January 29, 2016 at 8:52 PM

    WOW, that is a big ship. I have only ever cruised on a Princess ship, it was a nice cruise. Sorry you had a horrible vacation!

    Reply
  10. NotNowMomsBusy says

    January 29, 2016 at 11:52 PM

    I feel exactly the same way you do about the buffets on the ship, right down to the touching of everything, the sneezing, and the dirty hands. I easily could have written that paragraph.

    Sorry to hear that your cruise turned out so bad, esp since you wanted to get away and relax after your househunting stuff.

    I have been watching the cruiselines build the Mega ships over the past 8 years and wondered if I would enjoy them. I have been on a number of cruises and the largest was the Princess Caribbean at around 2400 people. We actually really enjoyed that trip. I have been on Celebrity a number of times as well.

    Getting the flu has always been a fear of mine on ships. Any illness spreads like wildfire whether you use the sanitized lotions or not. At home I wash my hands so often in fear of catching something, and on the ship I am even worse.

    Reply
  11. Crystal McWhirter-Lopez says

    January 30, 2016 at 4:13 PM

    I have never been on a cruise and I think it’s terrible that you had such an awful experience!

    Reply
  12. Miles Basilio says

    January 30, 2016 at 5:14 PM

    I am astonished to know that it can hold up to 4100 passengers. However, it seems that you really had a horrible experience riding this cruise ship. I hope the management reads your post and improves their service.

    Reply
  13. The Mad Mommy says

    January 30, 2016 at 9:38 PM

    This is why I don’t want to go on a cruise ship! Thank you so much for your honest and real re-telling of what happened. Everyone always says that they love it, but I appreciate knowing what really happens so much more! Sorry it was such a bad experience though!

    Reply
  14. Brianna George says

    February 1, 2016 at 6:25 AM

    Ohhhh no! I am so sorry you had such a terrible experience. I have been on two cruises and they were lovely, nothing like what you are talking about…But I will say that the prices on ships are INSANE for things you may forget. I learned the hard way on that one too. :) Sounds like you need a vacation from your vacation.

    Reply
  15. Alison says

    February 1, 2016 at 4:33 PM

    You know I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise and this sounds like an awesome deal…except for the fact that the ship looks terrifying and I don’t really like people…especially ones that I’m stuck in the middle of the ocean with…now I’m not so sure!

    Reply
  16. Nicole says

    February 3, 2016 at 1:27 AM

    Thank you for sharing your experience. I always suspected cruises weren’t for me and now I won’t ever bother. Sounds awful!

    Reply
  17. Sarah says

    February 9, 2018 at 7:04 AM

    Do you have a positive bone on your body? You went on a holiday to the Mediterranean and all you did was complain about the ship?

    Reply
    • Sage says

      February 9, 2018 at 9:57 AM

      Actually, I’m quite a positive person (just read my most recent posts, or the majority of my blog for that matter). I understand how a Mediterranean cruise might seem exotic and special to someone living in Canada, but it’s a 2 hour flight from here, and not terribly exotic or special.

      I paid for the trip with certain expectations and NCL didn’t deliver. Why shouldn’t I relay my experience to others who might be considering an NCL cruise?

      Reply
  18. Mike Beavis says

    February 12, 2018 at 11:27 PM

    I have cruised Norwegian several times and have always had very nice cruises and choose them over RCCL and Carnival now. Sure we all have not so good moments but I have never had an all out outrageously bad experience as the person that wrote this outrageous and unbelievable review. I guess people like that should just stay home alone and eat veggie burgers and count calories… But hey maybe you should skip the bread and cake as well ! We all hear the bad of anything but if you can just review the bad, the rest of us are not interested in hearing it. I currently have (3) NCL cruises booked for 2018 and will book many more in the future as well as other cruises with other lines. I always say i’d Rather see the world then to sit at home and complain. Additionally, all dinners are not in a cafeteria or buffet… There are good choices especially in the more formal main dining room.

    Reply
    • Sage says

      February 13, 2018 at 8:48 AM

      If you’re “not interested” then why are you reading and commenting? Thanks for the ad revenue.

      The fact that you’re using two of the lowest end American cruise lines to justify your preference for NCL suggests that we’re not of the same demographic. That probably explains our vastly different views of the NCL experience. The “more formal main dining room” has one vegetarian “choice” vs. HAL (for example) which has a dedicated vegetarian menu. I never said that the buffet was the only dinner option.

      And what does being a vegetarian have to do with counting calories? I’ve never met a fried potato that I didn’t love and I’m hardly skipping dessert. That said, most of NCL’s cakes (with the exception of the warm volcano cake in the MDR and the Oreo cheesecake in Cagney’s) aren’t worth the calories.

      I’m far from sitting at home and complaining… I’ve been living abroad for going on 8 years and travel on average once a month. That’s quite a different experience from spending a few hours in place before retreating to the familiar comfort of an American cruise ship and declaring myself “well-traveled.”

      Enjoy your “(3) NCL cruises” :)

      Reply
      • Mike Beavis says

        February 13, 2018 at 2:27 PM

        Easy there Sage, I am merely stating that I am sure you could find some positives in this as well. As a blogger you need to have some non biased insights on things as I am sure you know. Advertisers look for honest as well as bold reviews but not all one sided. You also speak of yourself at times like a true European (not in disrespect), Remember my New England friend where your roots are and now where they have lead too. I may not agree with your write up on the Epic but I have read some of your other posts and found them interesting, that is why I am reading them. I too will do a review of the Epic when I return from my cruise and will be very honest good or bad. As for the vegetarian comments (with calorie counting) That was very much my mistake as I was so angered about the one sided review that I did not take into consideration that you were vegetarian… Please accept my apology for that statement. I will continue to follow your blog and comment from time to time as well as I do like to see and react to the good in people as well as the not so good at times. “Life is what you make of it and it seems that you are a free spirit. It seems that life has not always been kind to you in situations and very good to you in others. But, that is life and it sure is worth every minute !” Please don’t take my previous rant about your experience on the Epic personally as I was just trying to be fair for both sides. Hey, you never know maybe someday I will give up my steak for a vedgie-burger so I too can say I experienced another choice. Now sit back, have a cup of tea and a smile and keep enjoying life !

        Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

logo
Food Advertisements by

Once upon a time, I had the chance to move to the happiest country in the world!

My restless Aries spirit liked that idea, so I did what any girl in my position would do… I grabbed my cat, booked a one-way ticket to Denmark, and became an expat!

Read more…

Archives

Never miss a post :)

logo

Food Advertisements by

Categories

aarhus a doomed love story baking denmark diy england food france frugal living green living home italy moving other recipes simple living small space living thailand thrift shopping travel vegan vegetarian wedding
2020 has been... interesting. But I'm ending it be 2020 has been... interesting. But I'm ending it better than I started 💞 and with a clawfoot bathtub 🛀 in my bedroom! Happy new year! Let's get this show on the road🥂🎉 #newyear #newyearseve #clawfoottub #bath #bathinbedroom #bye2020 #happynewyear #happynewyear2021 #adios2020 #bathingbeauty #redwine #mermaid #expatlife #childfree #vintagehome #bohemiandecor #bohemianliving #bohemianlife #bohemianhome #boholiving #bohodecor #fairylights #bubblebath #bubblebaths #bubbles #bathtime #bathtimefun #glamour #glamorous
No tree? No problem.💃#peacockchair #cornersofmy No tree? No problem.💃#peacockchair #cornersofmyhome #bohostyle #boholiving #bohovibes #bohodecor #bohemian #bohosoul #bohemianliving #bohemiandecor #christmaslights #christmas #xmas #xmas2020 #xmaslights #christmastime #christmastime🎄 #wicker #bohemianhome #bohemianinterior
A dreamy Christmas stroll with my guy 🎄 ⛄#Chr A dreamy Christmas stroll with my guy 🎄 ⛄#Christmaslights #christmas #godjul #jul #jule2020 #julehygge #tivoli #tivolifriheden #xmas #xmas2020 #xmastime #christmastime #christmastime🎄 #christmasishere #santa #juletid #jule #julen2020 #julelys #xmaslights #winterwonderland #winter #dreamy #dreamscape #denmark #aarhus #danmark
My Love brought me 4 dozen of my favorite roses, s My Love brought me 4 dozen of my favorite roses, so I'm drying these 💗#roses #roses🌹#love #loved #flowers #cottagecore #flowersinframe_ #flowersinstagram #cottagecoreaesthetic #driedflowers #spoiled #color #colorful #colorfulliving #boholiving #bohodecor #boho
A sign of the times 😔 #christmas #covidchristma A sign of the times 😔 #christmas #covidchristmas #christmas2020 #maskup #denmark #scandinavia #aarhus #aarhuslife #jul #jul2020 #wearyourmask #xmas #xmas2020 #myhood
New-to-me thrifted oil painting! Sacre Coeur? 50 k New-to-me thrifted oil painting! Sacre Coeur? 50 kr. (about $8) 💃 Now I just need my kæreste to come over and hang it for me 💕 #thriftshopping #secondhand #frugalliving #thriftstorefind #thriftingfinds #thrifting #thrifted #bohodecor #bohodecoration #boholiving #bohostyle #denmark #cornersofmyhome #bohemianliving #bohemiandecor #bohemianinterior #scandinavianhome #bohemian #art #bohodecoration #thrifteddecor #bohohome #bohosoul #genbrug #genbrugsguld #genbrugsfund #genbrugshjem
Follow on Instagram
This error message is only visible to WordPress admins

Error: API requests are being delayed for this account. New posts will not be retrieved.

Log in as an administrator and view the Instagram Feed settings page for more details.

logo
Food Advertisements by

© 2009 - 2020 · Sage Autumn Media

loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.