We did that dance for months. I jumped through hoop after hoop trying to save myself from the trauma of an unwanted and unexpected divorce, and hoping that he’d love me again. My heart broke a bit more each time we went out and he didn’t hold my hand. He’d always held my hand.
I felt a spark of hope when he suggested we share a bottle of wine next to the river one evening and when he kissed me on a Sunday morning in August. We’d even gone to London for a few days, he’d held my hand, and it felt like nothing had changed.
And then he told me he was having our apartment valued and that there was no way of stopping the insanity of this unexpected divorce. When I told him that I wanted to make his intentions known to the family, he backed off.
I went to the States as he asked… “to get clear” in my mind whether I wanted to live there or here. But I’d already made my choice when I chose him. I married him forever, not just until things got difficult or didn’t go my way. I was desolate when our England move fell through, but living in the States was never on the table so I settled into Aarhus and came to love it. I’ve known since I was a child that I didn’t want to be a mother, but I like to think I was a good (if unconventional) stepmom to his son.
I asked him if I should look for a place to live while I was back stateside, or just enjoy spending time with my sister. I never got a straight answer but he was scarcely available by phone or SMS while I was away. He’d said he was painting my office. I sent him a photo of me in a $5.49 dress I fell in love with at a thrift store and he wrote back, “it’s colourful.” And it was, but when he loved me, he would’ve said, “it’s you,” even though he never understood my love of secondhand things.
I brought back some of my favorite foods for him to try. I cooked his favorite things. Even working from home, I made sure to wear something nice (if “colourful”) and to fix my hair and makeup every day. If not for him, then for me. I finished the grouting in the bathroom. I made vegetarian sushi. I organized the boxes that hadn’t yet been unpacked, and he asked me if I thought it made any difference. I did.
And he told me he still wanted this ridiculous and unexpected divorce.
I walked to the shops on a rainy autumn morning, while he was still asleep, to buy breakfast rolls and lemon curd. We sat in the windowsill with coffee (him) and tea (me) and talked about where the Christmas tree would go. He told me he was depressed. I told him we’d get through it together. He told me I deserved better. I told him that was for me to decide.
The following week, he still wanted this stupid unexpected divorce. So I told him to call our bank manager to see if he could afford it. He didn’t call.
My friend called me every day on her lunch break and listened to me cry, and rage, and try to make sense of the extreme fuckery that he’d suddenly unleashed into my life. I’d get up early enough to finish most of my work before my sister woke up in the States. We’d talk for most of the afternoon, her reassuring me from an ocean away, hoping for the best but preparing me for the worst.
He’d come home and we’d make small talk over dinner. I always cooked dinner. Vegetarian, which he’d come to resent. When we were finished eating and I’d done the dishes, I’d offer him a York Peppermint Patty from my coveted American stash. Then, as if I could buy him with peppermint and chocolate, I’d offer him a second one (which he usually took).
And I’d hurt, and escape early to bed with Opie, a cup of tea, and Gilmore Girls.
One Thursday morning in November (he must have a penchant for Thursday morning bullshit), he sent me a brusque email saying that a realtor would be coming around the next morning to value our apartment. And I finally saw him for the small, cowardly, passive-aggressive, deceptive person that he is. Now I didn’t want him.
Thank goodness we’d signed a prenup… I was going to need it. But still, even after five months of mind games, I didn’t know why he was divorcing me.
You can find the first article in this story here.
Tracey McBride says
Sending continued love, strength, peace to you.
Love,
Tracey
XoX
Jen says
Sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape, what a nutter.
gerda says
I am sorry to read about the latest developments. I was so happy for you and now I am sad with you. Take good care of yourself!
Amy says
What she said.
Carolyn Lee says
I’m heartbroken for you! I wish I had some words of comfort but I fear you will have to walk this painful journey, step by step. Your pain is rooted in your open and loving heart and you should feel proud of all you have given to this marriage, this man, and his family.
I know that like a Phoenix you will rise from this stronger and without losing your love and generosity. He can’t and won’t take away the essence of you And all that you give the world.
Love and hugs for you from across the world.
Bronwen says
There is something, someone…SO much better for you out there.
Dawn says
Nothing more sad than a pathetic and small coward who can’t speak his mind. Good riddance. You deserve someone who is as devoted to you as you are to them.
xo
Dawn
Ann Halpin says
Even though you went through hell for all those months, at least you are free of him now. It’s like he hid a part of himself from you from the the very beginning. He wasn’t the nice, considerate man you fell in love with. He was hiding his true nature – a cruel, selfish, small man. You are much better off without him and I am sure you will spread your wings and fly higher than ever. I hope you know that you are a stronger person than your ex, who is just a weak mean-spirited twerp.
Margaret says
I’m so sorry about this. What a sad, confusing and painful time. You’re strong, but it must be so difficult to be facing such a loss with no real reason why.
Vicki Brooks says
He did you such a favor, showing you the real him. What a total freaking jerk.
Noel says
You are such a strong woman and I hope you have all the happiness in the world. It’s a shame that people can’t act like adults, and I am glad you are moving on.
Sarah M Smith says
Nothing spoils a party faster than an insecure narcissist. Lovely writing and very courageous of you to share with all of us.
Nicole Doyle says
What a childish and small way to handle things. I’m happy you were finally able to reject him in your own heart. People often say someone doesn’t deserve you, but in this case I really think that is true.
Linda Marie says
Like a tea bag in hot water, you found your strength under the most difficult of circumstances. You are brave, strong, intelligent, kind, giving, and loving. You are a giver. You deserve someone with the same qualities. Not a taker! Not someone selfish, who needs you more than you need them, not a user, not a self-centered, selfish, immature cry baby. You will now fly high, and enjoy life. You’re free to do as you please, and not worry about a selfish person. I am so proud of your bravery!!!
Vicky says
Preach!!! Every. Single. Word!
HOX says
Your dignity shines through, it drowns the awful circumstances you have endured from such a shallow person. I was sorry to read your story, but thank you for sharing, I’m sure you will find the silver lining behind that cloud – soon!
Rita Tocta says
It actually seems you were quick and brave understanding who he really was and reclaiming your ground. I believe for some of us commenting it took us years to figure out what you’ve realized in months! I’m so proud of your words (beautifully wtitten as always!) and happy that you are sharing your story for anyone who needs to read it. I’m truly sure you’ll be able to feel like yourself in no time and that life will give you fields of amazing things after this rotten lemon. I hope that after this he’ll be not only out of your life but of your mind soon because you’ll be achieving things you could never achieve with him by your side. Oh and how I despise people who use depression for their trickery and low morals when there are actual good humans suffering from it. Stay well Sage, you are truly appreciated and supported even if from miles away! Wishing you blessings strength and some always much needed laughs on this journey!
Sage says
Thank you , Rita (and everyone commenting).
Circumstances forced me to be quick and brave. You’ll see why in my next post. I wrote all of this as I was going through it because I wanted to tell the story honestly and not just as I remembered it. I struggled with whether or not to put such personal thoughts and experiences out there for public consumption. In the end I decided that bloggers (me included) like to write about how fabulous everything is and tend to gloss over the unpleasant bits. For that reason I decided to share this because I know there are others who have gone through this, are going through this, and will go through this.
My Prince Charming is still out there and someday I’ll find him. For now, I’m creating a beautiful home in a city I love with my faithful feline companion by my side and the best friends anyone could ever hope for. I’ve been through hell this past year, but it will not change me for the worst. I still love my life and can see now how many bits of myself I’d cut away in order to appease him. That stops now.
Barbara paola says
I know you were blindsided. But you are not blind. You are seeing him for who and what he really is, and you are soooo much better off without him. I know you will fly high. I wish nothing but the best for you. You are a unique person with so much to offer. He is the blind one.
Rita Tocta says
I’m glad you are well (and safe from the madness). I don’t know how but I’m sure you’ll be making something good out of this. I don’t agree with the “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” but to tell the truth I’ve seen with the right mindset women rise above this kind of situation and gain a new magic wise sparkle in their eyes. Be patient with yourself would be my only advice because although it all passes usually it takes time. All the best to Opie too :) behind a great woman there is one great cat one may say :)
Abhinav says
I am so sorry for you. I know it’s a bit late to reply but I have just read this post. Was very busy for the last couple of months. I hope you’ve moved on.
I always loved your writing. I admire your personality from whatever I have read on your blog. It’s so unfair what you’ve been put through. I’m sure the days ahead are bright and I advise you to keep staying strong.
Much love xx