As if being dumped by my husband less than three years into our marriage wasn’t horrible enough, I was living in a country where I don’t have a local support system. All while having to decide within like a week whether to stay in Denmark or move back to the States. I had to quickly let go of the pain and anger, and get on with the process of accepting divorce and moving on from the rubble of my whirlwind marriage.
Moving Back to America
My first inclination was to hightail it back to the States. I felt comforted by the thought of returning to my tribe to go through the process accepting divorce and moving on. My sister was adamant that she’d fly to Denmark to bring Opie and me home. “You will not leave alone and defeated,” she’d said. She’d offered a spare room and unlimited room service and TV shows to binge until I was ready to face life again. In the first days of this catastrophe, that was everything.
In a haze, I contacted moving companies, looked into the requirements for moving Opie back, tested the waters to see if my clients would still work with me in the States, researched US health insurance and the tax scheme for freelancers, looked into how to form an LLC, and called upon pretty much everyone I knew who could possibly help me to land without crashing and burning. People pitched in without hesitation, seeing what they could do to make my transition home as easy as it could be, if that’s what I decided to do.
But deep down, I knew that moving back to the States would be a knee jerk reaction ending in regret. The rental prospects there were abysmal. Health insurance is a debacle. And with 14% self-employment tax on top of state and federal income tax, who can afford to be a freelancer? I love my gig economy lifestyle and won’t easily sacrifice it in order to reenter the rat race.
Apartment Hunting in Denmark
The only good thing to come out of this dumpster fire of a marriage is that I have permanent residency and can stay in Denmark for as long as I want. Thank goodness for that!
So, on the Sunday afternoon following the Friday morning valuation by the realtor, I went to an open house for a small apartment in the Latin Quarter (my dream location). I thought I’d be up to it, but as looked around the apartment, my heart pounded hard enough that I was sure everyone could hear it, I felt lightheaded, out of breath, and like I’d been kicked in the stomach. I fled the apartment and hurried home sobbing behind my sunglasses in the rain.
Aarhus is a major student city with a serious housing shortage. Rentals are like gold dust that’s mostly shared among friends. Friends who aren’t part of my immediate demographic. My chances of finding a solo rental (because who wants to be twice divorced at 42 and suffer the added indignity of having roomates?) on his majesty’s expedited divorce timeline were somewhere between slim and none.
I was fucked.
Despite recent history, I’m still a frugal and simple living girl at heart, and a modest two room apartment (with original vintage features, of course) would have been perfect. But November was an awful time of year to be shopping for real estate and the more I looked, the more depressed I got. There was so much pressure to “make a decision either way” and to get on with the process accepting divorce and moving on that I didn’t eat for like four days and didn’t have the brain power to work. I was pushing deadlines for the first time ever in my career.
Then a week to the day that he told me he was having our apartment valued, the perfect apartment hit the market! It’s in Frederiksbjerg, which is considered the most desirable area of the city by most Aarhusians. I’d actually prefer to live in the Latin Quarter or smack bang downtown where where our supposed “forever apartment” is, but given my disdain for the guy who now owns it, I’m quite okay with living in the other end of the city. Coincidentally, it’s in the neighborhood that he prefers but that’s neither here nor there. It’s a sound investment.
I was acutely aware, as I walked to the showing, that all of my eggs were in this one basket. What if I freaked out like I did at the open house? What if the apartment sucked? What if the building was full of renters? What if the building was full of students? What if the building was a dump? What then? What the fuck then?
But I knew it was home as soon as I walked in. It was the perfect place to regroup, to get on with accepting divorce and moving on with rebuilding my life. Built in 1911 and with its decorative plaster ceilings and dentil moulding still intact, it’s the stuff my single-again housing dreams are made of! It has a big, beautiful balcony, the original hardwood floors, an exposed brick wall in the bedroom, an adorable kitchen, and clever storage space. It’s a tiny 62 square meters and the (private) bathroom is actually in the back stairway, but it’s pretty and quirky and I love it! There’s even a radiator under the front window for Opie to sleep on in the winter! And it’s an owner-occupied building, mostly occupied by couples and singles. So the building is quiet and well cared for.
Accepting Divorce and Moving On
I’m full of resentment for all of the vintage things I’ve sold in order to meet his majesty’s aesthetic because looking back, I made a whole hell of a lot of compromises while he pretty much made none. But this place will be mine (and Opie’s) in a way that the big downtown apartment never would’ve been. There’s no doubt that it would’ve been stunning when it was finished, but it never would have been me. This apartment has just the right amount of patina and it’s begging for threadbare velvet furniture, lace curtains, fairy lights, plants, fringes, and everything else that I think makes a home a comfortable and enchanting place to be.
So despite many ups and downs, I’ve finally, after seven years, managed to settle into this crazy little country and even fall in love with Aarhus. And while I was devastated by his majesty’s abrupt departure from my future, this is just one more thing I can add to the resume of my life. I’ve proven that I can move to a foreign county alone, establish a life, quit the job that initially brought me here, start a successful business, fall in love, suffer the worst betrayal imaginable, and still be standing strong. And that tells me everything I need to know about who I am and what I’m capable of.
And I have incredible friends who send me things like this to wake up to :)
Today is actually a year to the day that we moved into our big “forever apartment” downtown. When he first sprang the divorce on me, I truly didn’t know how I was going to survive such a loss. Fortunately, in the months that followed, my knight in shining armor proved time and time again that he was in fact just an asshole in aluminium foil.
On the day I moved out, he had a locksmith come to change the locks at precisely the same time my movers were scheduled to show up. True story.
Check back in a few days for the realtor photos of my new apartment!
You can find the first article in this story here, and the second one here. You can see the realtor photos of my apartment here.
Colleen says
Your new place sounds perfect for you, Sage! I keep thinking of the purple hallway in your first (?) place in Denmark – it was beautiful. Hope you can put the same kind of personal stamp on your new place.
Sage says
Thanks, Colleen :) I loved that first apartment, but this one is even better! I’ve already started decorating with secondhand treasures and there’s no mistaking that it’s mine :)
Janet Stadt says
Sage I just caught up on all of this and my heart is heavy for you! Reading through all this reminded me of being gaslighted by a family member for many years and having to work hard to understand that it was never me that was the crazy one. It’s awful and it takes a nice long time to trust people. The first thing though is to learn to trust yourself. Finding a “you” apartment sounds wonderful. I have nothing to say about him. You though, are an inspiring person and I share your light and glimmer of finding your way back to where you started- which was in a tiny apartment with your Opie, surrounded by all the things that YOU love and looking outward with curiosity and open-heartedness. Hugs from NY.
Sage says
Thanks, Janet. He’s done some damage, but I’m embracing this alone time. I’m comforted by the fact that EVERYTHING has fallen into place for me… from the perfect apartment going up for sale, to a full-time contract with my favorite client, to always being able to find a parking space in the city. I have wonderful people around me and it’s obvious which side of karma I’m on.
jim wallace says
You have the strength and courage of a Viking warrior my dear.. You will prevail,…in fact, you already have . Sticking to your guns and fighting out a battle without turning and running for easy cover only proves that not only are you a Princess,… you are also the ” Warrior Queen ” when the situation dictates . Courage, perseverance, kindness, and dedication ..all rolled up into one woman . Its often been said that “Hindsight is Often 20/20 “…. That can be taken two ways . Either one day he will look back and realize his dreadful mistake ,…or he will be forever relegated to having his head stuck squarely up his own ass….., In either case…. You Win ! .. Game Over !
Sage says
Thank you, Jim… I have indeed won :)
Deanie says
Sage, do you think he was conning you to get his dream apartment?
Sage says
Property values rose 7% between the time we bought the place and when we split. I owned the majority of the equity, so he had to buy out my half + 7% + half of what we’d invested in it, and it wasn’t even close to being finished. I don’t think he conned me, but I don’t think he fully looked at his financial picture before pushing so hard for the divorce. That’s his problem. This whole thing has been so ridiculous that I don’t even know what to think. I’m just glad to be free of him and his crazy.
Rita Tocta says
This actually made me laugh! He changed the locks on your moving day? How pathetic is he? Hahaha. I know by experience that this all hurts but I need to share that I’ve laughed out loud I’ve laughed so hard that happy tears came down my face :) your taste is amazing can’t wait to see the development of your new house! Wishing you all the best now that you are again Queen of your kingdom! Love, Rita
Sage says
Right? And he also moved my makeup table and chest of drawers into the living room because he didn’t want movers going into “HIS bedroom.” OK, whatever. His fuckery continued into the evening when he told me I’d have to wait until after he’d been grocery shopping before I could pick up Opie… which he conveniently left until after 5PM when he knew my bed was being delivered. He made himself look like a fool and that’s how I’ll always remember him :)
Rita Tocta says
I’m glad you were so strong and quick! You are quite an example, Sage!
Rita Tocta says
Above not sure if it was clear I meant to say that in my own experience after the grieving and confusion I ended up laughing. Really laughing. I recall asking with no anger just humour why nobody told me I was living with such a tiny tiny character!
Sage says
Exactly, Rita! I’ve told some of the stories of the things he’s done and said, and I’ve ended up having a good laugh every time! But yeah… why didn’t anyone tell us?
Vicki says
You are doing fantastic without that pathetic ex of yours. I had one like that years ago. Always sad when you find out that people aren’t who you thought they were. My pathetic ex went on to 4 more marriages and is now broke and alone with kids and grand kids that will never have a relationship with him. What was heartbreaking at the time was a blessing in disguise, which I’m sure you are finding out. Here’s to living our lives with people that deserve to be in our lives!
Sage says
Amen, Vicki! It’s totally a blessing in disguise. Looking back, I can’t believe how much he took and how little he gave. In hindsight I’m glad his arrogance got the better of him! It freed me to get back to who I am and to focus on the things that are important to me. The wind has been at my back through all of this and it’s comforting to know that I’m on the right side of karma. That said, I hope he doesn’t inflict himself on yet another woman, let alone four!
sandi says
OH how I love thee, Sage! I have been reading and haven’t commented yet, because my heart was heavy. I KNOW that you married for life, that entering into that marriage was a HUGE deal for you, and for someone to stomp that out so easily makes me sick. I wish I had words to put to all my feelings about that guy right now, but I can only know that he will have deep, deep regret. The kind that dries up the bones.
You are perfection personified, my friend! And while it’s not the ending you once wanted I truly believe your very happiest years a ahead of you! I have faith you’ll go on in success and abundance and peace and JOY! I’ll bet after all of this you’ve already started to find it… I’m cheering you on!!!!
Sage says
Thank you, Sandi! I find peace in knowing that I loved him in all of his imperfection and that I did everything I could to save my marriage, and didn’t lose my dignity anywhere along the way. If he’s honest with himself, he can’t say the same. I’m embarrassed for him and the way he acted in the weeks leading up to me moving out. But on the bright side, it’s impossible for me to miss him :)
Vicky says
You’re an amazing and inspiring woman, Sage. Look how far you’ve come from being married to a pathetic leech who was sucking the Sageness out of you, living in a construction zone with little hope of any kind of excitement in your life to a free, single, HAPPY, woman planning a fantastic future, living in an absolutely gorgeous apartment that after only a week or so is almost finished!!!! Sorry for the run on sentence, but damn girl! You got your shit together in record time and I’m so proud of you. Who knows, maybe you’ll run in to His Majesty and he can see for himself that he didn’t destroy you, but made you an even better person despite the 3 years of him trying to drag you down to his level. But then again, how often do you go to 7-11?
sandi says
All of what Vicky said so well. ALL OF IT!!!!!
Sage says
OMG! He was totally “sucking the Sageness” out of me!
And in the end, it was blatantly obvious that he didn’t even know me. He used to harp on me not having any friends, as if friendship can be measured in how often you get together to drink boxed wine and talk shit about people. It’s funny how the friends I supposedly don’t have stepped up when it mattered to help me sort out my entire apartment in a weekend!
He didn’t even come close to destroying me! If anything, he’s made me stronger and wiser.
Vicky says
Oh fuck him and his pathetic little wannabe-fancy, short-man self.
Where are his friends? He is living in an unfinished shit hole that he can’t afford…. all by himself, I bet his kids don’t even visit him.
You’re so lucky to finally be rid of him. I’m so glad you’re getting your Sageness back!
noname says
I know it is not all over, more ahead to face, but am breathing a big sigh of relief for you.
Good job, you! (I love your new apartment — & best yet, it is all yours!)
KF says
“The bird doesn’t fear the branch breaking because it trusts it’s wings.”
Continue to fly Sage!
Sage says
I love this! Thank you :)
Diana says
I guess some would say this is a prime example of how Prince Charming turned out to be Prince Charmin…. (Yes, as in Charmin Ultra Soft). Just saying….
Sage says
The Friday before I moved out, he started going through my boxes because he said he was “entitled to see” what I was taking with me. Knowing that moving day would be hectic, I’d bought a few essentials so I wouldn’t have to stress about going to the store. He came across a new package of toilet paper and demanded to know why I thought I was entitled to the whole pack! After telling him that I’d bought it with my own money (how had it even come to that?), I told him he was welcome to dig through the trash for the receipt… Prince Charmin indeed.
Diana says
Wow! Speechless!
RuthNYC says
Toilet paper!!! OMG!!
Prince Charmin, indeed.
You rock Sage!
HOX says
Just want to say, your new abode sounds lovely, a refuge for you to find terra firma again, and take a deep breath now that the headbanger is out of your life. After the toilet paper scene, I would think he is a suitable case for treatment, a long stay in a funny farm, plugged in to the national grid would be my recommendation. Wishing you happiness…!
Linda Marie says
Dear, dear Sage, You have proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are brave, intelligent, street-smart, beautiful, tenacious, and a BADASS! You so deserve a life filled with joy, laughter, smiles, great times, magic and LOVE…… but a love of someone who cherishes you for you, and NOT a lover someone else wants to make over in to their mental image of what their needs say a lover should be. You are so fortunate to be free of His Majesty In His Own Mind. You deserve THE BEST. Someone who puts you first always. But for now, you have joy in knowing THE BEST IS YET TO BE…. Congrats on discovering what is in you now is the best version of you.
Aaron Smith says
It a new chapter in life but we are built to survive. I am sure many new and amazing experiences will come!
Megan says
Sometimes the most painful moments are the ones that make us the strongest. I know new incredible stuff will come your way.