Getting divorced against my wishes in a foreign country where I didn’t know the process and am not fluent in the language was daunting to say the least.
I’m of two minds about the Denmark divorce process. On one hand, it’s extremely straightforward, quick, and affordable. On the other hand, I think it’s a little too easy to get divorced in Denmark. I’m of the opinion that the American divorce process is a racket that makes an already stressful situation worse and I don’t believe that people should have to stay married just because the divorce process is too complicated or expensive. But should you really be able to get a quickie divorce online for less than $100?
Divorced Online – The Denmark Divorce Process
Our Denmark divorce was done completely online and cost about $60 (350 kr.); there’s an upcharge of about $80 (490 kr.) and a separate process for changing my name back to my maiden name. Denmark may be the only country where it’s harder to get married than it is to get divorced!
All Denmark divorces are no-fault and you don’t have to give a reason. Denmark divorce law dictates a straight 50/50 division of assets unless there’s a prenup stating otherwise. If both parties agree to the divorce it becomes final within a few weeks. If a Denmark divorce is contested, there’s a six month waiting period after which the divorce is automatically granted if the filing party hasn’t rescinded. As far as I understand, the child support provisions in Denmark divorce law also follow clear-cut income guidelines. There’s little point in lawyering up for a Denmark divorce.
The day his lordship initiated the online divorce filing, I received an email notification to go online and confirm that I was aware of the filing and agreed. Due to my sketchy Danish skills he’d graciously offered his assistance, which I’d begrudgingly accepted. So late one December night, he took a break from watching YouTube videos long enough to look over my shoulder as I digitally signed the papers for the divorce I didn’t want. A few minutes later he was back at his computer eating chips and laughing as I fell apart in the next room.
I’d initiated my first divorce. I’d wanted to move to Denmark and my husband didn’t. I knew that if I didn’t go, I’d regret it forever. There’s no doubt in my mind that I would’ve become resentful and that staying would’ve just prolonged the inevitable. We’d met when we were barely 20 and had just become too different over the next 15 years. We parted as friends and it was what I wanted… actually what I really wanted was for him to move to Denmark with me and for us to have an amazing adventure together. But that wasn’t him. And I accepted that. And so did he. I sobbed for months. Except for the day my grandfather died and that godawful Thursday in July, I don’t think I’ve ever cried so violently before or since. I was heartbroken over making an impossible choice and no part of me could’ve ever eaten chips and laughed in the next room knowing that I’d just launched an emotional hand grenade into the middle of this man’s peaceful life. I still think of myself as a selfish bitch because of it and there’s rarely been a day that it doesn’t occupy my thoughts, but I also know I made the right choice. I’ll always love him for letting me go so selflessly. Sometimes I think this divorce is my karma for that one.
A week after I’d signed the divorce filing, I received another email. My situational Danish is good, but I’m not fluent and I find it difficult to follow unfamiliar topics like the ins and outs of the Denmark divorce process. I couldn’t completely understand the email and Google translate didn’t help. I thought I had to physically sign something and waited for his lordship to demand my signature. But he never mentioned it. A couple of weeks later I finally had the chance to run the email past a Dane who told me that the divorce was final and that the page I thought needed to be signed was actually the Denmark divorce decree (which is also available in English upon request).
My Almost Useless Prenup
Shortly before we were married, I’d paid off the majority of his lordship’s mortgage. At that point we’d drafted a prenup stating that should we split I’d get back my full investment, plus a certain amount of equity for each month I lived in the apartment. It also stipulated that I’d get to keep my car, jewelry, etc. and that any other assets acquired during the marriage would be split 50/50.
Unfortunately, though the prenup had been signed and witnessed, it was never filed. I didn’t know that it had to be filed in order to be valid. The people at Aarhus’ free legal help office and the lawyer I’d consulted looked into every possible way of getting it filed before his lordship filed for the divorce, but there was no way to file it without his digital signature. It didn’t matter that he’d physically signed it with a witness. It had to be filed online or else it wasn’t legally binding.
I could either tell him about the filing and count on him to honor his agreement or I could gamble on being cashed out before he discovered this loophole. I took the latter option.
When he’d told me he was having our construction zone of an apartment valued, I was adamant that since it couldn’t be sold in its current state that I wanted half of what we’d paid for it. He’d insisted that because it was now a half-finished disaster area, it “wasn’t fair” of me (look who’s talking about fair!) to expect to get half of what we’d paid for it and that we’d go according to the realtor’s valuation. Again, Denmark divorce law has clear guidelines for this situation, so the apartment was valued at what we’d paid, plus a 6% market increase, plus what we’d already invested in restoration work, minus what it would cost to make it functional (i.e., he couldn’t deduct for a kitchen renovation because the kitchen was functional).
His greed and arrogance bit him in the ass :)
By some miracle I got out with exactly what was stated in the prenup. Somewhere along the line he’d found out that the prenup wasn’t legally binding because one evening after a particularly obnoxious email exchange regarding a Louis Vuitton briefcase, two designer lamps, and a designer clock, he sent me a carefully crafted email in which he dropped this “info bomb” on me and threatened to go after my car and a few other minor assets.
I could practically see him wringing his tiny hands over his keyboard as he chose his words. According to him, he’d “known all along that the prenup wasn’t worth the paper it was printed on” but he’d decided to honor it out of the kindness of his heart. Bullshit! If he’d known, he would’ve extorted every last kroner he was legally entitled to.
I wrote back, “I know and that’s why I didn’t ask for spousal support :)” And not another word was said or written about that.
I let him have the Louis Vuitton briefcase, one of the lamps, and the clock. I also let him keep his vintage Patek Philippe watch.
A Cautionary Tale
Fortunately, I’m not at a huge disadvantage after this divorce. When this first went down, well-meaning friends asked about alimony, how I was going to manage, and whether I was going to “be allowed” to keep my jewelry.
“Self-employed” isn’t always a euphemism for “lady of leisure.” Despite having a PhD, an Associate Professor paying child support for two kids doesn’t have a ton of disposable income and in light of the lifestyle he’d become accustomed to, he was more likely to need alimony than to pay alimony. And finally, I paid for every piece of jewelry I own so of course I “got” to keep all of the sparkly things!
L-R: Lady Mary, Little Edie, Thelma & Louise, Elizabeth Taylor, Jackie Kennedy, Billie & Ella, Zelda Fitzgerald (not pictured: platinum, opal & diamond ring, c.1910; Art Deco wedding ring; Art Deco platinum & diamond earrings; Art Deco platinum & diamond watch)
Why wasn’t anyone asking me the same questions about his lordship’s bespoke clothes, Louis Vuitton bags, Tiffany cufflinks, Patek Philippe watch, and platinum wedding ring? What about the humungous mortgage he had to take in order to hold onto his ego-sized apartment?
My point here is that no matter how sure you are that you’ve found Prince Charming and no matter how in love and committed you are, always make sure you can take care of yourself. And always double and triple check that you’ve covered your ass. I was too trusting and this could’ve ended very badly for me. Fortunately I’m ambitious and had enough good karma banked that I came out relatively unscathed, and much wiser. I’ll recover, but I narrowly skirted disaster.
His lordship is almost completely out of my life. Once last year’s taxes have been settled and my accountant values my company, I’ll transfer half of its 2017 valuation to the above-mentioned asshole. Then I’ll open a very nice bottle of Champagne to celebrate the passing of last money he’ll ever see from me.
This time it’ll be one glass… and pink.
P.S. He’d “presumed” that I’d be changing back to my maiden name. Not on my dime. My luggage is monogrammed with my married initials and I don’t care either way. That said, I did love his family.
Jen says
He’s obviously a very insecure man.
Also, knowing how much Patek Phillipe watches cost.. you should have taken that as well :)
Sage says
I know, but was an anniversary gift and I did the right thing. Despite everything he did to try and debase me I left with my integrity intact.
Kelly says
Good for you. My own divorce was ugly and I gave away a LOT, but in the end I walked away knowing I’d done the right thing for my children, even if I did have a lean couple of years. Being able to look back with your head held high is worth more than any physical item or money.
Sage says
Agreed, Kelly. I’ll never look back and cringe at how I behaved.
Jen says
It’s hard taking the higher ground with these types.. You’re a better person than I :)
Kayce says
I don’t “know” you but so proud of you and your strength, And I love that you are writing again,,, If I were you I would change back to my maiden name, or even your last married name,,,I would not want his name attached to me at all! What is a letter on Luggage??? Change it back girl! His lordship probably gets some perverted thrill that you are keeping his last name. And I am sure you are not the only person in Aarhus to figure out what a creep he is,,wouldn’t want to be attached to that!! I also have to ask,,,did you ever have the floor redone after they installed it wrong (wasn’t lined up properly through the door)?
Sage says
Thanks, Kayce… it’s great to be back :)
His last name is a “protected” last name in Denmark and he used to enjoy telling me I was only one of 4 people in the whole country to have it. My path crosses with a lot of university students here and our name is very conspicuous so it’s far “worse” for him if I keep it. I honestly don’t care either way because I really only use a last name for work. Otherwise I go by my first and middle names.
After I went ballistic on the flooring guys with no back-up from him, we ended up with a 10% discount on the floor. He was happy with that. I was livid. The floor cost around $17K, so 10% was nothing. I guess you care more when you’re spending your own money.
Darisa says
I’m embarrassed for His Royal Asshole. This is so cringey in so many levels. You paid off his mortgage and he thought he was being generous. FOH!!
Sage says
I don’t think he properly looked into the “maths” before he enacted his brilliant plan to divorce me. I also think he underestimated me. Either way, I’m done financing his bespoke fancypants and other bullshit :)
sandi says
OH how I love you, Sage!!! I’d really love to wring his neck. ~angry tears~
Sage says
Thank you, Sandi. You were such a wonderful friend in my darkest days of this nightmare <3
Tracey says
I once read that
“Hard Lessons learned are often future gifts.”
It appears that this was an important life lesson…
“cleverly disguised as an asshole”.
You are handling this beautifully.
Love,
Tracey
XoX
Sage says
Thank you, Tracey. It’s nice to hear that because sometimes it’s been hard to be graceful in midst of all of this. I’ve definitely come out of it wiser, though less trusting. I struggle with that but I think I’ll eventually find a balance. For now, I’m happy to limit my circle to people I know I can trust and I’m enjoying my time alone with Opie <3
HOX says
He doesn’t sound as though he is sane enough to be on the loose in Aarhus! Good to read that you came through this intact, and with your dignity, he certainly didn’t. Did he give you a reason for informing you that he was divorcing you between mouthfuls of toast? I understand if you don’t want to answer that, it’s just that the surprise element, and the viciousness of his actions are a conundrum. Continued good luck for a good and happy life!
Sage says
Thank you :) No, he never did offer any explanation for why he treated me so badly. From the way he sprang it on me, to the months of emotional abuse that followed, to going through my moving boxes, to having the locks changed at the same time as my movers were scheduled to come, any normal person would be mortified to have acted like that. I sincerely hope that no one ever treats his daughter the way he treated me.
I just think he’s a narcissist who gets bored easily. The way he struts around like King Tut with a stick up his ass embarrassed me on more than one occasion. For a chihuahua of a man, he sure has a huge ego.
Grace says
He has a daughter? That makes his behaviour all the more disturbing. I hope for her sake that the sins of the father aren’t revisited on the daughter. You are well rid of him. He did you a favour. Go forward in peace and happiness. You will find true love in time if you want it.
Regular Everyday Normal Guy says
I feel for you. I came home one sunday eve, in 2016, to hear my wife of 20 years say …I’m 100% done. It’s over. Where are you going to sleep tonight because you cant stay here?
I was blindsided and being treated like I was old trash that needed to be thrown out. As if I committed an unforgivable wrong. I suspected there was someone else at the time but her stammered denial at the time left me suspicious. Her openly dating a guy she was on a board of directors with within a couple of months still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
And the subsequent greed. Deceit. The lack of consideration for our children. The person I was married to turned into a cruel monster over night. Or did she? I don’t think so.
I think these types of people show their true colours in times like these. And I believe my ex showed me just how narcissistic she really is.
She is very pretty. She is charismatic. She is the victim. And somehow I am the bad guy.
But I know the truth and she knows I do. In the end she has to live with herself… every day …for the rest of her life. I don’t.
Hang in there. It never goes away but it does get better.
Sage says
That’s horrible and I’m sorry that happened to you. I see so much of my experience in yours. Narcissists really do live in a different reality than the rest of us.
Thank goodness I didn’t want kids with this guy. I can’t imagine being tethered to him for the rest of my life. Fortunately, it was 4 years of my life, not 20. I’m grateful for that.
Deborah says
It is so nice to see you back and what a loser. You deserve so much better than that child who was never a man and never will be. Onward and upward! You are a beautiful, amazing woman who had so much to offer. Congrats on the divorce!! You lost a lot of useless baggage.
Sage says
Thank you, Deborah. I’m finally gaining the clarity to see this divorce for the gift that it is. It took awhile to get here, but I’ve made it to the other side and hindsight really is 20/20.
Barbara paola says
Wow. What a total Piece of Sh*t he turned out to be. I remember many years ago when I had broken up with someone who had lied, cheated, and stolen money from me, an old boyfriend who I dated for nine years (starting in high school) and thought I was going to marry, who said he wanted to start paying me back (I.e. using me again….) I told him that if it cost me $XXXX to be rid of him, it was worth it. And it was. And it reminds me of your situation. You are well rid of him.
Sage says
I finally understand why a lot of women are perfectly happy on their own. I think I’ve become one of them.
Linda Marie says
You retained your dignity under the most difficult of circumstances. You should be proud. Mr. Fancypants, on the other hand, should feel shame every time he looks in the mirror. I sincerely hope his children realize he is the model how NOT to act. Karma never loses an address.
Sage says
He should, but he’s too arrogant to ever see himself for what he is. It boggles my mind that the father of a daughter would treat any woman this way, especially unprovoked. It’s not like I was having an affair and he was out for retribution.
Faith says
Grace is something that can never be bought. People with tiny hearts (and possibly behinds) are utterly lacking in acquiring it. Good riddance. Any crumbs left behind on your keyboard will be yours, and yours alone.
Sage says
Truth!
KF says
Well I was one of those silly women who cared enough to ask if you “get” to keep your jewels. I asked because you implied in your blog posts that they were all bought as gifts by your generous loving successful husband, I wasn’t aware that you actually bought them yourself. Sorry I misunderstood. I don’t expect you to publish this comment, I just wanted to clarify. Best of luck to you.
Sage says
I was referring to people who know me personally. Of course you couldn’t have known that. He liked to direct the narrative. And to be fair, at the time, it was “our” money.
RuthNYC says
Sage–Thank god you’re rid of him. And you’ve taken your life back and have moved on.
I so admire how you took control of your life.
Sage says
Thank you, Ruth. It’s hard because I really did love him and was completely blindsided. I just keep trying to remember that I’m sad about losing what I thought I had, which is far different from what I actually had. Moving on is easier with that in mind. I have lots of positive things in my life, so losing him wasn’t the end of the world :)
Patti Secreto says
Wow! Just wow! A big kudos to you Sage! I came upon your blog when I googled a recipe for Weight Watchers Santa Fe Rice and Beans and came across your rendition of your recipe. Which sounds really good by the way!
BUT as I was perusing your blog I have now spent the most part of the evening reading it. I have traveled to Europe in my college and post college youth and also into adulthood as I have family in Germany and a good friend in Paris, both of whom I have visited. Your story was intriguing, as I had always yearned to become an expat. But in my older age I’m not sure that I could actually go through with it. But I love reading about expats!
I’m glad you got your groove back on after the divorce that you didn’t want. At least you got one thing out of him – your permenant residency in all of the old Continent! Woo hoo & congrats on that! And hey, at least you found out about him and what an ass he seams to be! So what was his story? Why didn’t he want to be married to you anymore? What… he had a 3 year itch? Oh well, it’s his loss anyway! Just out of curiosity, did he meet someone new? I wish you well and now I have another expat blog to follow as well as a great recipe to try! Good luck! I look forward to checking in often!
Sage says
Hi Patti, I’m so glad you’ve found and like my blog, and thanks for letting me know you’re reading it :)
Expat life is hard sometimes and amazing a lot of the time. I consider myself fortunate to have had the opportunity. I never expected to still be living abroad nearly 8 years later but now I can’t see myself ever moving back to the States.
I still don’t know the true reason he divorced me. He never gave me a straight answer and the answers that he did give me weren’t anything a normal person (especially on their second marriage in their 40s) would divorce someone over. Especially not when you had all the things going for you that we had. He really did spring it out of nowhere. We were living a mostly charmed life. Or I thought we were. He got sloppy near the end and I have my suspicions, but I’ll probably never know for sure. It’s his karma.
I’d love to hear what you think of the recipe :)
Cheryl says
What a small, petty, joke of a man. Truly clueless, classless, mean and stupid.
You responded to that absolute horse shit with clarity and grace.
May he get all that he deserves.
Sage says
Thanks, Cheryl. He must’ve thought that cosplaying as an English gentleman would actually make him one :)
Vicky says
If I didn’t live this with you every day, I would totally think you were exaggerating. I’m just amazed at the things you had the strength to leave out… It’s not like he has any dignity left to preserve.
Love you Chica! You’re the strongest woman I know :)
Sage says
I had to save something for my memoir ;)
You’ve kept me laughing on my worst days and I don’t know how I would’ve managed without you during or since <3
Vicky says
<3